MASTERPIECE. I think this is going to start getting a lot harder 30 years from now - Little Mermaid is in 1989, and I have an inkling how the films between Sleeping Beauty and Little Mermaid are going to get ranked, but once we hit my childhood movies, this is going to get pretty difficult.

I can never say enough about Sleeping Beauty. The artwork is stunning. The music is all memorable and charming. I don't know what's going to happen when I have to compare Once Upon a Dream to the music in Moana, I think my brain might melt. Princess Aurora singing I Wonder and Once Upon a Dream is one of my favorite scenes of all time. I love the way the animals are animated (they carry this animation style through to Sword in the Stone). Aurora's hair is so beautiful, with the big looping curls.

Notable Grossness

Maleficent calling her henchman idiots. But also she's evil as hell.

Also, Prince Philip is BAE OMG. "No carrots"

Of course I've sorted the fairies into houses; they don't wear the right colors but Flora is a Gryffindor, Fauna is a Hufflepuff, and Merryweather is obviously a Slytherin. Fight me.

Watching the fairies suck at domestic skills is hilarious.

Fauna, a white woman in her middle ages with gray hair, wearing a green peasant dress and a green head kerchief, stands in the kitchen of a woodland cottage in front of a bowl of off-white batter. She puts two eggs in the batter whole, with the shells on, then folds the batter over the eggs and pushes down to knead the batter, and her eyes go wide in shock. The caption reads, 'Shit'

Merryweather's pissy face while Flora's got her rigged up in the hideous dress is choice. I also adore that they start fighting with each other about the color because Merryweather is pranking Flora. Obviously, this movie isn't really about Sleeping Beauty. The protagonists are the good fairies. They're heroes who have to protect an innocent and enlist the help of a prince to battle a great evil.

Can we please talk about the fucking magnificence that is Maleficent? She's not hiding it. She is EVIL AF. She calls her minions "a disgrace to the forces of evil". She knows what she's doing; she's a student of the dark arts for pete's sake. "You thought you could defeat me? Me, the mistress of all evil?!" I appreciate someone who wears their evil on their sleeve. She even invokes "all the powers of hell" at one point so basically she's the devil. This is now canon.

Maleficent, an extremely pale/greenish-skinned white woman with bright red lips and dark purple eyeshadow, black eyebrows, a black high-collared dress and cape, and a black hood with large horns tilts her head back, laughing. She's holding a black staff with a green glowing sphere on top. The caption reads, 'Die mad about it'

One of my favorite parts is when the minions say they were looking in all the cradles and she totally loses her shit with maniacal laughter. "Do you hear that my pet? All this time they've been looking for a BABY. AhahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAHHHHAAAAAAAA" So classic.

King Stefan and King Hubert getting drunk and fighting is legit one of the funniest scenes. "I'm not sure my grandchildren want YOU as a grandfather!" There is not a single scene in this film that I don't love, let's be honest.

This movie just never stops - the action is constant and it's consistently interesting and funny. The animation is also consistently spectacular. This is one of my favorite styles of Disney by far.

March 9th, 2021

More Disney Animated Features

A movie release poster shows a group of white people, 4 men, a woman, and a young boy, surrounding a green animated dragon with pink wings and red hair. The poster says "Coming at Christmas, Walt Disney Productions' Pete's Dragon"
Pete's Dragon
Five human actors, a woman, a man, and three children of various ages, sit on a flying brass bed with a floral blanket, with the moon and clouds behind them. Below them, illustrated animals are in various poses: two fish dance together (one in a suit); two fish and an octopus play in a band together with the words "The Briny Boys" on the front of the drum kit; an alligator, a rhino, and a gorilla run around a soccer field in yellow and green athletic outfits; a lion in a crown and red royal robe stands with one foot on the soccer ball; and a secretary bird in a suit with glasses stands watching.
Bedknobs and Broomsticks
Bert, a chimney sweep, Jane, a young blonde child in a red dress and yellow overcoat, Michael, a young strawberry blonde child in short pants and a button coat, and Mary Poppins, a nanny in a red dress with a black hat with white flowers, stand on a rooftop, covered in soot.
Mary Poppins
Bigfoot, a giant humanoid creature with red fur, sits in front of a cardboard box with a downward pointing arrow on the side, wearing a pair of white men's briefs underwear on his head. He holds the crotch hole open with his fingers so he can look out. Goofy, a dog-like humanoid cartoon with black skin and a pale face, and long ears, watches from his yellow car several hundred feet behind Bigfoot, with his son Max in the passenger seat; Max looks similar to Goofy.
A Goofy Movie

Recent Snark

The Lion King

February 22nd, 2022

This is a really epic movie, but it's less of my favorite than I remember. It still has some great moments and songs I like but basically, the half of the movie where Simba's away from Pride Rock is more boring than I remember, and I care a lot less about Simba when he's not a tiny baby.

The Nightmare Before Christmas

July 13th, 2021

Do I honestly even have to review this movie? I have a matching tattoo with my brothers where we each got Lock, Shock, or Barrel. I think it's safe to say I love the hell out of this movie. I've also seen it so many times, and so many times recently, that I ranked it before I even started it. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Aladdin

July 6th, 2021

This is really just such a joyful piece of art, not ONLY because of Robin Williams but definitely a lot because of Robin Williams.

Beauty and the Beast

June 29th, 2021

I love Belle and the animated furniture is charming. I liked this a lot more when I was a kid.

The Rescuers Down Under

June 22nd, 2021

This is legit one of my favorite movies.

DuckTales the Movie: Treasure of the Lost Lamp

June 15th, 2021

What in the actual hell is this movie? Is this the trial run on Aladdin? But like.............a bad one? Also the literal best part of this movie is when they play the DuckTales theme. At the end. :sigh: